This past December I wrote about my emotional journey in 2019. I showed the blog to a friend of mine who helps me edit before I post (my instagram peeps know I’m the typo king). After reading it she texted me and said, “I actually feel like this one might be written for someone specific. You might consider waiting to post it until the Spirit nudges you.” She was right. In light of what’s going on in the world, I think now is that time.
2019 was one heck of a year to say the least. It had some of my fondest memories, coolest experiences, and most affirming moments, but it also had some of my deepest heartache, most trying experiences, and most confusing moments. I can’t say that I have processed everything about the past year, and I can’t even say I’ve really fully reflected on everything about the past decade, but there is one thing that I am taking into this next ten years. In this next decade I’m going to learn how to be more in my feelings. I want to be better about my emotions.
The past year taught me that emotions are not only feelings that we experience, but they’re also places that we go to. Allow me to liken emotions to a rest stop during the road trip of life. Sometimes we plan for a rest stop and utilize the amenities. Sometimes we stumble upon a rest stop and take advantage of it. Sometimes the car is having trouble and we have to pull in to a rest stop to get things sorted out. And sometimes the weather is bad and we’re forced over to a rest stop until things clear up. 2019 showed me that, much like a rest stop on a long trip, emotions are a place that we go to.
Unfortunately, 2019 also showed me that I have a habit of avoiding emotions. I have a habit of not going to the places that are a part of the journey. I avoid stopping because I don’t want to step into the sadness. I avoid stopping because I don’t want to step into the grief. I don’t want to step into the anger, into the loneliness, into the confusion, frustration, and disappointment. In 2019 I avoided many of the places that I needed to go to because it felt safer to not pull over. If I pulled over and stopped at that rest stop what would I find? If I pulled over and stopped what would meet me?
What I found in hindsight, is that every time I avoided going to the place my emotions were taking me, I also avoided going to the place that God was wanting to meet me. Every time I avoided my emotions, I was also avoiding Him.
Without meeting God in the uncomfortable emotions, I really only get to know a god who is happy and celebrates the good. I only get to know a god who’s on the mountaintop, a god who’s in the highs of life, a god of the curated instagram feed. I really only get to know a god of laughter and joyous occasions, of parties and congratulations, of success and celebration. But that’s a one-dimensional god, and that’s not the God of the Bible. When we don’t step into the discomfort going on in our heart, we don’t get to know the full character of God. We end up with a God who is more like ourselves than the omnipresent God who we find in Scripture and who we experience.
The God of the Bible is the God who is present in all emotions and meets us in those places. Our emotions are the place where God comforts those who mourn, the place where He wipes away every tear. Our emotions are the place where God rejoices over us with singing and calms our restless souls. The place where we are still and know that He is God, and where we find that His peace surpasses all understanding.
Our emotions can be a scary, uncomfortable, or foreign place, but they never have to be a lonely place. Our emotions are the place that God is always available. Maybe that’s a part of what it means for God to be omnipresent. Maybe God is not only present and available in all temporal space but even in our emotional space too. Maybe we get to know an omnipresent God as we meet with Him in the vast array of emotions that He’s given. Maybe God is in my feelings.
In avoiding experiencing my emotions, I often avoided God, yet God has never avoided me. He’s lovingly been with me the whole time. He’s a god who finds Himself in the mud and dirt and mess. After all, God knew what He was doing when He formed humanity out of dirt. He knew things would get messy, and He is okay with the mess. Actually, God is so okay with being in the mess that Jesus was willing to become dirt and experience the mess of humanity firsthand. He’s a God who’s able to sympathize with our emotions because He’s experienced them.
So I encourage you, friend, step into the discomfort of your emotions this year. You’ll find you were never alone after all.
